Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
