running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
