What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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