so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
