Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
