Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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