I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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