the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize