I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize