The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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