Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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