She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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