Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
