I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
oh god was she eating orange peels again
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
