It's Friday. Sex?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
