May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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