Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
