i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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