I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
