I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have tasted many bathrooms
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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