I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
