And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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