so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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