worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
