My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
