he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
