hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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