It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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