I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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