my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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