I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
