you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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