I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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