I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
