Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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