dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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