btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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