I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
