Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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