my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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