i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
