So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
