you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
