I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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