good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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