god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
