Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
