Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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