My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
