She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just had sex on a roof
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
