im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
