I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize