Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We are two peas in an std pod
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
