i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
