rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
