i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize