Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
True college students do jello shots in the library
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
