We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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