Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
