hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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